Wednesday, March 22, 2006

campfire was fine.
just that i was feeling so stressed up.
and my mood's so bad these days.
guess rachel must be really mad.
sorry darling.
im so devoid of emotions now.
and im not upset nor angry anymore.
im just numb.
went back with jess.
and i had nothing to say.
on the train.
i find myself becoming so silent nowadays.
silent in loving.
but when i have made a decision , i shouldnt rock back and
forth anymore.
i dont know why but everything went wrong today.
i didnt pour sodium hyroxide into R and proudly told ethel that
the experiment was wrong.
placed the delievery tube the wrong way round.
used a wooden splint instead of litmus paper.
dear mrs leow glared at me.
xwy was crapping like anything today.
how lame can she get.
friday's doomed.
i havent got any present yet. i still dont know abt the outing.
i wasnt as exhilarated as i thought i wld be
maybe my love's drained away.
maybe i have seen too much.

i have finished reading the kite runner.
it moved me to tears.

i would love to run a kite for you too.
but i wouldnt .
because you wont be happy.
you would cry.

is hate an expression of love ?

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

i see the tears there.
i know it.

love will lead you to the heart of God.
maybe this is the only way i can do something for you.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

talked to ax for a long time today.
and i never knew she shared the same thoughts
as I.
today had to rain.
and just nice i didnt bring an umbrella.
so the fever rose again.

but this will probably be my last entry.
because i am moving on.
i look forward to trainings and lessons now.
talked to mum that day abt how i felt.
and i ended up in tears.
because she always didnt believe in me.
maybe she does now.
and i look at her sitting in the warm-up area,
her eyes fixed on me
when i am on ice.
her smile just brings so much hope to me.
yesterday, when pam and i were lying on the sun deck,
gazing at the stars,
i told her to hold the star in her hand.
because if she stared hard enough,
the star would fall onto her hands.
we lay there in amazement .
the greatest joy in my life is God, but the marvellous thing
He did
was to let her be my sister.
and i remember all those times we shared,
how we fought over the same cake when we were toddlers,
how i came running to her for money inraffles,crescent.
and the years went by in a flicker.
she's always my pride and joy.
she will always be.
she just knew every corner of my heart and mind.
she wld tuck me into sleep every night
last year, when the comps were round the corner, she always sensed my anxiety whenever i confidently told mum
that i wld bring the gold back.
she told me the night before,
that even if i didnt win,
she thought i was the best figure-skater.
so recently when i trudged home in anxiety,
in pure disappointment,
she talked to me again.
I always didnt have to fight the tears back,
because i needn't hide.
i didnt remember what month that was that it became
like this. I only knew that the memory lived in me, a perfectly
encapsulated morsel of a good past,
a brushstroke of colour on the gray , barren canvas that our lives had become.

I ran to God in open arms.He was there, waiting for me.
I neednt have to wait indifinitely, just like the way i waited for people.
Love will finally lead me to the Heart of God. It will.
and i promise i wld never shed another tear.

Friday, March 03, 2006

jess made my day.
i was upset that thngsturn out this way.
and jess told me said to her.
and my heart didnt sink at all.
maybe she was acting like someone else.
and i was previously hurt that way.
but it seems that what my sister had advised me to do was
a right decision i made.
im looking back now.
and it left me wondering whether i was right in backing out
and crushing everything when i knew it would hurt her
and there,
i was right.
or i would only sink deeeper
and never stop getting hurt.
and yes i guessed correctly again. i mean nothing to her.
i was right to shatter it.
loving a friend doent mean possessing her, talking 24h, 365 days
it is doing everything, anything to see her smile, even it means
bearing the hurt alone.
because I can tell Him when i do meet Him,that i
have tried.


but she proudly proclaimed :
whoever dares to make amanda feng
upset, i will take a pistol and fire her butt!"
my heart melted.
it did.
not because she said she could hold a pistol,
but that i was upset i didnt care
about her all this time.
i truly neglected those who reallly cared,
and cared too much for those who didnt even bother at all.
it seems that i have been tearing during guides all these while
. because i really didnt know how to laugh.
but all that happened now just made me want to love Him more.
and i could do now is to entrust
you to His never-failing care and love, knowing that
He will do for you better things than
i can pray for or desire.
Because i no longer can bear it anymore.
i want my days to be filled with happiness,
yet happiness is an elusive emotion often floating about
in the air, blatantly ignoring yearningly outstretched palms that plead for joy in their mundane and banal lives.
teach me how to wear that smile on my face
again,
so that i may be the same amanda .
Lord,
grant me the serenity to accept
the things
I cannot change,
the courage to change
the things i can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen.

Can you hear my heartbeat ?