Tuesday, March 07, 2006

talked to ax for a long time today.
and i never knew she shared the same thoughts
as I.
today had to rain.
and just nice i didnt bring an umbrella.
so the fever rose again.

but this will probably be my last entry.
because i am moving on.
i look forward to trainings and lessons now.
talked to mum that day abt how i felt.
and i ended up in tears.
because she always didnt believe in me.
maybe she does now.
and i look at her sitting in the warm-up area,
her eyes fixed on me
when i am on ice.
her smile just brings so much hope to me.
yesterday, when pam and i were lying on the sun deck,
gazing at the stars,
i told her to hold the star in her hand.
because if she stared hard enough,
the star would fall onto her hands.
we lay there in amazement .
the greatest joy in my life is God, but the marvellous thing
He did
was to let her be my sister.
and i remember all those times we shared,
how we fought over the same cake when we were toddlers,
how i came running to her for money inraffles,crescent.
and the years went by in a flicker.
she's always my pride and joy.
she will always be.
she just knew every corner of my heart and mind.
she wld tuck me into sleep every night
last year, when the comps were round the corner, she always sensed my anxiety whenever i confidently told mum
that i wld bring the gold back.
she told me the night before,
that even if i didnt win,
she thought i was the best figure-skater.
so recently when i trudged home in anxiety,
in pure disappointment,
she talked to me again.
I always didnt have to fight the tears back,
because i needn't hide.
i didnt remember what month that was that it became
like this. I only knew that the memory lived in me, a perfectly
encapsulated morsel of a good past,
a brushstroke of colour on the gray , barren canvas that our lives had become.

I ran to God in open arms.He was there, waiting for me.
I neednt have to wait indifinitely, just like the way i waited for people.
Love will finally lead me to the Heart of God. It will.
and i promise i wld never shed another tear.


amandy thought hard on 2:10 AM.