Friday, March 03, 2006

jess made my day.
i was upset that thngsturn out this way.
and jess told me said to her.
and my heart didnt sink at all.
maybe she was acting like someone else.
and i was previously hurt that way.
but it seems that what my sister had advised me to do was
a right decision i made.
im looking back now.
and it left me wondering whether i was right in backing out
and crushing everything when i knew it would hurt her
and there,
i was right.
or i would only sink deeeper
and never stop getting hurt.
and yes i guessed correctly again. i mean nothing to her.
i was right to shatter it.
loving a friend doent mean possessing her, talking 24h, 365 days
it is doing everything, anything to see her smile, even it means
bearing the hurt alone.
because I can tell Him when i do meet Him,that i
have tried.


but she proudly proclaimed :
whoever dares to make amanda feng
upset, i will take a pistol and fire her butt!"
my heart melted.
it did.
not because she said she could hold a pistol,
but that i was upset i didnt care
about her all this time.
i truly neglected those who reallly cared,
and cared too much for those who didnt even bother at all.
it seems that i have been tearing during guides all these while
. because i really didnt know how to laugh.
but all that happened now just made me want to love Him more.
and i could do now is to entrust
you to His never-failing care and love, knowing that
He will do for you better things than
i can pray for or desire.
Because i no longer can bear it anymore.
i want my days to be filled with happiness,
yet happiness is an elusive emotion often floating about
in the air, blatantly ignoring yearningly outstretched palms that plead for joy in their mundane and banal lives.
teach me how to wear that smile on my face
again,
so that i may be the same amanda .
Lord,
grant me the serenity to accept
the things
I cannot change,
the courage to change
the things i can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Amen.

Can you hear my heartbeat ?